the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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