Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
