Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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