Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
