I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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