We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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