Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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