Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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