Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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