Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
