I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
