i would punch a child for taco bell
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
