3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
