I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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