woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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