i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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