Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I will pee on everything he values.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
