i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
