for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
