I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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