Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
