at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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