I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
