Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
