i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
