I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
