Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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