I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
