News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
