New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
