we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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