those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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