this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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