if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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