theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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