well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
