Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
