...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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