capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
