is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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