he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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