I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
