2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
