a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
