Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
