Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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