Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
