i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
