OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize