I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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