I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
