don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
