I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
