The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
