Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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