How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
