when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he was CRYING into my vagina
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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