I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
