I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
