we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
